In order to boost hits and internet traffic and also increase Search Engine Optimization we are going to say a bunch of controversial things that will provoke a strong reaction from people and perhaps they will share it through social media.
1. DAFT PUNK ARE THE WORST ELECTRONIC GROUP EVER
People applaud them for wearing masks but they just do it because they are fucking cowards. They don’t want to show their face because they know that they are really just overhyped failures. Maybe their first album was good but everything since has been either derivative or mediocre or both. Discovery is a pastiche of older style shit. Human After All is a turd and Random Access Memories is back to making derivative stuff that sound like older music. They spend fucking ages between albums and that is all they can come up with. Fuck that shit.
What we have in Brostep is the accumulation of more than 35 years of experience making dance music. Over that time we have come to understand in an almost scientific manner what will most effectively make people lose their shit. Djs over the last few decades through trial and error have been able to conduct experiments on what are essentially live subjects and there is incontrovertible evidence that people love “The Drop” and freak out at crazy saw synth sounds. The proof is in the economics. Who are the ones headlining the biggest festivals? It’s Brostep producers. You could even really call the festival type of electro house that Avicii, Swedish House Mafia others make Brolectro because it employs the same tools and is also the most prominent music. People argue that it is important to like and know the history and origins of music but that is wrong. Do people fucking drive old Model T Fords to get to work to know the real origins of cars or do people use Commodore 64s to know the real history of computers? People get the most advanced version of that product and thus if one is going to use the product of dance music, then they would obviously want the most advanced form of that. Bro is the form which makes use of the most innovations and is the most effective at doing what it is supposed to do. Why get something inferior?
3. THOSE CRANKY BUTTHURT OLD SCHOOL DJS WHO SAY THAT EVERYONE SHOULD USE TURNTABLES TO MIX ARE RIGHT
Everyone knows what is most important when you dj. It’s not how the crowd is reacting to your mixing, it’s whether or not you are keeping it real by using turntables. Think about it, why would you use new technologies that allow you to focus on doing more interesting and actually technically more adventurous mixes when you could use technology that is almost 40 years old to mix and spend half your time trying to beatmatch. People don’t go to clubs or bars where you dj to have a good time. They go there so that they can look at you and judge you on the equipment that you use and they are definitely going to say that a terribly executed mix using turntables is superior to a perfectly executed mix using Traktor. Also song selection is not important either. The most important thing a dj can do is use turntables.
4. THE NEW SOUNDCLOUD IS AMAZEBALLS
If you don’t fucking like the new Soundcloud you’re a fucking idiot. It’s so awesome that cover art is limited to 500×500 (even if you upload a bigger image) so you’re not stuck with this huge image that could take up several hundred kilobytes of hard drive space. Also it’s great that if someone reposts a track that you don’t know if it came out today or 3 years ago. It really makes you focus on what is best and not what is newest and totally not confusing. Just like the new way of spotlighting things is not confusing or the fact that reposting makes tracks appear in your stream as if they are your own. If anything these are mental puzzles made to strengthen your fucking intellect. Soundcloud wants to make you better.
5. AMERICA IS THE GREATEST EDM COUNTRY IN THE WORLD
Many countries say they like EDM but do they even EDM lift like America? America takes genres and supersizes them. America is responsible for the EDM brovolution which we described above. England is all like “please sir can I have a dubstep with crumpets and a lorry?” and America is like “here’s your fucking dubstep bitch”. Uk Funky is not even funky and grime is like rap made by Prince Charles. Look at drum and bass too. The British are all like subtle and then America is all like punching you in the face. Britain is like guys working on their arts and America is like tits emerging from shirts with dollar bills fanning you like the wind. Canada is non-existent. France are a bunch of disco pussies. Oh and America invented fucking damn son where’d you trap that. #USATHEBEST