Walmer Convenience

MY COMPLETELY HONEST AND UNFILTERED REACTIONS TO THE PHASE 1 LINEUP OF ULTRA 2014

I got my head so far up the underground and paid no attention to the mainstream of electronic music that I couldn’t tell you the dates of Camp Bisco, EDC or Ultra (March is the best I can do) or any shit like that. I hate huge festivals.

I’ve seen so much coverage of this thing on other blogs that I’m like “I’ll get some hits. I’ll post about that shit”. But I’m just gonna say exactly what I think about each artist or group instead of pretending I have a boner over everything because I ain’t even fucking trying to get any VIP backstage press shit to this.

Headliners-

1. Above & Beyond: I have no fucking idea who this is? Is it two guys? What is this the supergroup of Avicii and Skrillex that I wouldn’t care about? Just looked them up. They make progressive trance so in my language that means entry level dick soft music. I say I accept everyone’s taste in music but if you like trance I do make judgements on the inside.

2. Afrojack: Total noob shit. Like, if you like this shit in 2013/14 you prob discovered dance music through pop radio.

3. Alesso. Don’t know shit. Don’t care.

4. Armin Van Buren: This is for people that don’t like music or receptionists or call centre employees.

5. Avicii: All I know is that one track and good for him. Prob made tons of cash. Otherwise he seems like what you would like in grade 9.

6. Carl Cox: Is this a museum? Am I allowed to take flash photos or touch the artifacts?

7. Can’t even read this name

8. David Guetta: My younger sister liked his shit in like 2006. If you like this now I don’t know what to tell you. I think we are too different to communicate.

9. Diplo: I guess I would like a lot of the songs that he would play. He did a lot of great collabs recently.

10. Hardwell: Couldn’t name one fucking song and care so little I’m not even gonna look shit up.

11. Kaskade: Progressive house. No thanks just not interesting to me.

12. Krewella: I have no fucking idea what this is, yet hear everyone talk about it. There’s like chicks in this group or something. This just makes me think of some bad electro Evanescence. Prob wrong but too late. Unfiltered. Just saw a photo. Yeah this looks terrible. Sure lots of dudes wanna finger the chicks tho.

13. Loco♦︎Dice: No fucking idea

14. Luciano: No fucking idea. Sounds terrible.

15. Marco Carola: No fucking idea but from the name I would say boring house.

16. New World Punx: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?

17. Nicky Romero: Big room noob “i just did molly” shit

18. Solomun: No fucking clue. Here, let me looks this up. Sounds like shit that people from Russia would like.

19. Steve Angello: Steve Angell-no thanks I’m not a douche.

2o. Tiesto: Why? Who actually likes this shit who has listened to anything that came out after 2000.

21. Zedd: Never really cared. Cool to know that he recently has branched out from electro house into progressive house and dubstep. Those are so much better.

Live Acts-

Just sum this up as 2 Many Djs, Cut Copy, Pusha T and even maybe M.I.A. are a big yes. Rest gets an “I don’t know/care” except for MGMT and Eric Prydz which are a “no thank you at all”.

People not Famous enough to headline Ultra but could headline the fuck outta your town-

Big Yes: Cyril Hahn, Dj Snake, Just Blaze, Riff Raff

Big I Don’t Care/Know: Everyone else

Observations: Why is Riff Raff not a headliner? Was Diplo like “I’m ur boss and only I can get top billin”? Otherwise a lot of this is very entry level to EDM.

In sum: Why is there so much electro house and trance around? Is that what the people want? Why? Do they hate life? You can take molly to other music too.

PS Carl Cox and Friends sound like the worst shit ever like it’s a whole stage for Baby Boomers.

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This entry was published on December 17, 2013 at 8:35 pm. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

45 thoughts on “MY COMPLETELY HONEST AND UNFILTERED REACTIONS TO THE PHASE 1 LINEUP OF ULTRA 2014

  1. Andy C is like the grand daddy of drum and bass – he should be getting all the mentions. And you’ve never heard of Chase and Status or Sub Focus? Are you sure you have your head up the underground or is it that you’ve just got your head in your ass? Though I agree with all of your other comments, except DJ Snake and Riff Raff. DJ Snake can’t DJ and plays pre-recorded sets and sits on his phone during the set probably playing plants vs zombies. Poser. And Riff Raff just can’t make anything decent. He can’t even buy something decent and call it his own.

    • Derek Johnson on said:

      Bravo! Missed out Netsky live, an amazing set he puts out with the group he’s got together. sub focus, andy c and chase and status all big too. Would love to go just for these guys

  2. Ya your fairly spot on except for the Loco Dice or Marco Corola comments, Marco is a legend and Loco Dice will be a legend. Look up there music and stop wasting your time lookin up these other clowns. The best talent and music on phase one is in the small print. You got all the dirty bird, crosstown rebels and hot creations crews. You can also catch all of them at the smaller much more fun and much less lame shows through out the week and will be saved from the nightmare that is ultra at this point

  3. I stopped reading when you said you liked Diplo. That shit is terrible.

  4. Not even a little bit funny. Just pretentious..

  5. Hmm how many different ways can you write “I’ve never heard of this person?”

  6. Moon Boots and Perseus are dope to see on the bill this year

  7. You are a moron stop listening to trap and moombah and learn what a fucking chord progression is you are a dance music noob david heartbreak riff raff and all the oter shit you post are wack and so not undergournd.

  8. you are retarded

  9. Go listen to some more dubstep bro

  10. edmhater on said:

    Your an idiot. You hate everything. You must be a hipster. Just because you don’t understand anything about current dance and/or trance.. you think your the fucking judge. Have fun at the next dave matthews/phish show you go see… if you don’t like the music then don’t go.. your a fucking toolbag anyway. Maybe you should look into some of these artists/producers and see that most are on top of the game. There is a reason they are. its obviously not your shit so shut the fuck up.

  11. Alright im gonna be straight up here. Why do you even review a festival’s lineup in which you dont know any artist, im actually convinced youre retarded. Please take your ass over to mad decent and do us all a favor and stay the fuck out of every other venue

  12. It seems like you have “no fucking idea” about a lot of these artists. Yet you feel you have enough knowledge about the scene to criticize them? This is the worst and most un educated post I have probly ever read.

  13. HAHAHHAHA, dude you are definitely deaf, you don’t understand music.
    I rolled on the ground when you said diplo was good, dude please.
    And nicky romero? Mate, that’s not big room, stop this please, never post anything again.

  14. True story bro i totally agree with you. That’s what happens when commerce takes over ……

  15. “Hi guys read my blog post about a festival I’d never go to with artists I’ve never listened to… I can’t say much about them but I can talk about how I assume they’d suck and how stupid their name is.”
    Do you have lots of time on your hands?
    “Steve Angell no I’m not a faggot”? Oh, but you are ;P

  16. Alistair on said:

    Clearly the person who wrote this is an idiot! Obviously has no understanding of music!!! Fail!!
    If it wasn’t for the people you trash talk. Your favourite dj’s may not have come to be. Dumbass!!!

  17. Rofl.. diplo!!!!!! Its funny to see someone talk so much shit about something and have no taste themselves. kind of redundant don’t ya think?

  18. To be honest, you sound like one of those guys who went to raves in high school and is now very bitter that it has gone mainstream. Yes, I agree the line up is very bland and recycled, but I doubt that you actually don’t know half those artists you pretend you have never heard of….iz u that ignant????

    Also, carl cox and friends is probably a whole lot better than Avicii and friends because Carl Cox and his friends will actually be DJing

  19. You realise that this post was probs just to get a reaction out of people and hes getting one so… stop commenting people.

  20. Wasted my time reading this shit. Stupid hipster lol

  21. Derek Johnson on said:

    Agreed mostly with this, good job getting hype out of people from this page. If you’re making money off this then good job mate (Y)

  22. Joel Quest on said:

    This is easily the most ignorant thing I have ever read… This is Kanye West level of useless.

    How can you even say you like EDM and not know who 80% of these artists even are? The ones you do know, you hate. I don’t care for many of the the entry level festival banger artists that are on this setlist either, but damn.

  23. Don Juan de underground on said:

    You are spot on bruh except for Luciano. He’s dope!!! Edm is the boy band and the bubble gum pop of house music (dare I say electronic music). All you dipshits talking about the author can wear your gay ass furry boots and your stupid ass black framed glasses and fuck yourselves. Get a clue!!

  24. Jakob D on said:

    you sound like someone who is super butt hurt that they haven’t been offered a spot on a festival. i agree with my buddy Joel, how the fuck can you knock people you never even heard of, hell id never heard of you till i strolled onto your sound cloud, Which i highly regret because now i can get rid of this god awful head ache. but what ever the case is, i just wanted to stop by and say i hate you because not only are you an ignorant ass hat, but now i will never get this 10 mins of my life back….

  25. who ever wrote this article is proper prick . carl cox and friends stage is gonna be shit ??? Bro your life is shit .. raving to dj snake and ur trap bull shitt…. Marco Carola, Solomun, Luciano ,, LOCO DICE is the heat.

  26. Your are retarded, You don’t know who Luciano, Carl cox and loco dice are?? wake up man get your head out of the gutter, your uneducated opinions mean nothing you ignorant bass junkie, go listen to bass nectar in the corner.

  27. Trentemoller is brilliant. Possibly the best (and only) artist on the list.

  28. You all suck on said:

    haha this is classic! exactly why I hate mainstream EDM…would never be caught dead at EDC or Ultra..its all about the camping fests with good vibes, heady music and no teeny boppers taking molly. All you “EDM” fans should branch out past these defined “genres” and dig deeper. Electro-Soul, Glitch-Hop, PsyDub, Future Funk…all great genres that somehow the mainstream EDM goers don’t even know exist… Griz, Bluetech, Beats Antique, Pretty Lights, STS9, Michal Menert for example. All im saying is escape your tiny bubble of the SAME festivals with the SAME house djs playing the SAME songs OVER and OVER again and go and experience something new.

  29. YEONG LEE on said:

    SO I WOULD LIKE A LINK TO THE TRACKS YOUR MAKING ?

  30. LOL… This guy have digged so deep underground that he hasn’t ever heard about Loco Dice or Luciano or Marco Carola… These 2 last ones have been in the electronic music game for more than 15 years and you’ve never heard about them? Are you serious? And you know more about Steve Angello or Kaskade… I think this article is fake or trolling. If not, dude, just try to get yourself a culture.

  31. They make progressive trance? Are you on fucking tabs man? Skrillex? Avicii? they make shit. Literally. Someone else does it for them. And its not trance, progressive or otherwise.

  32. I was at Moombahton Massive at SXSW 2012 and you were there (I know because I got my first Walmer slap from you personally) and Diplo and Dillon Francis showed up and threw down a set. Please tell me you were not psyched out of your mind, cause that shit was on point with Nicky Da B!!!!!!

  33. Matt on said:

    I totally get not following mainstream DJ’s that have somewhat blended Pop music and EDM like Guetta and Afrojack. But your going to type all the most popular DJ’s such as Diplo, Carl Cox, Skrillex? Each one of these three DJ’s fits within their own genre of music (from tech-house with Cox, to twerk/140bpm bangers from Diplo and Friends and the OWSLA crew). How about next time you list the DJ’s you like and why instead of bashing each person or group that can remarkably call themselves a true headliner. You have to be aware of the mainstream music in order to identify the underground dumb shit

  34. Team Supreme, Soulection, HW&W, Terrorhythm, Die High Records and Future Classic are the only labels you need to listen to. I agree with the reaction though, completely true with the exemption of Chase and Status, Andy C, GTA and Sub Focus. Andy C is redonkulous live. http://youtu.be/6KsAiXArZ0w

  35. You like diplo? That is akin to liking any of that other skrillex type garbage. I’m guessing you don’t listen to any house, tech house or techno as you don’t know loco dice or Solomun. This must be some shitty self hating edm blog. Funny that I somehow landed on this blog while reading Facebook as I sit here on my toilet taking a shit. How fitting.

  36. If your heads so far up the underground, how the fuck have you not heard of Loco Dice? Or Luciano? Or Marco Corola? Yet you know literally all the shitty EDM acts I have no fucking clue about? Or are you just a pretentious twat?

  37. You are kind of a huge douche. You hate on Above & Beyond or Eric Prydz and you’ve never heard of Loco Dice or Luciano? You don’t even have a right to be hating on these “EDM” people because it doesn’t even seem like you know anything about electronic music in general. Get a life and listen to some music before you start spewing shit about it.

  38. Again, your writing style lacks credibility because of your language and you clearly don’t know anything about dance music. you like “underground” by you’re not aware of Luciano and Loco Dice? Albeit, I don’t understand what people see in them either, neither of them have ever made a record worth talking about.

    you should find a new genre of music to write about.

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