Walmer Convenience


Hey, ever go to a club or bar and be like “That dj looks like things are going too well for him/her” and you want to change that? Well, here’s a few tips for you to succeed.

1. You’d probably be too shy or respectful to approach the dj in any real way when you’re stone cold sober so it’s probably best if you get very drunk or fucked up on drugs or both before you do. That way you can do it in a really sloppy way and maybe knock a drink over on their equipment. One of the things that djs love the most and by most I mean least, is when you ask to go into the dj booth and pretend to be djing. For some reason caucasian ladies love to do this.

2. A.B.R. which stands for “Always Be Requesting”. This is maybe the most effective way to ruin a djs night. When combined with being fucked up as described in the first point, this can be effective enough to cause a dj to question their career choice and consider looking at openings in 9 to 5 jobs. The true strength of the A.B.R. technique is when after the dj politely tells you that they will not play your request because they perhaps, do not even have that song, you stay at the dj both and ask if he/she has other songs until, after a few minutes of distracting them from their work, you finally come up with a song that they will play. It’s really important that one insist on having some kind of request played because it is obviously part of their validation as a human being. Sometimes you will come across a really tenacious dj who will keep shutting down all your suggestions without care for your feelings. In this case there is an easy way to counter this intransigence: suggest they play the song you want off YouTube either on their computer or, better yet, off your phone. This should be enough to get under the skin of even the strongest willed dj as it suggests you don’t give a rats ass about their skills and/or see them as a living iTunes “shuffle” setting.

3. I’m putting this as a separate point but it can certainly fit into point 2. It’s called the R & L or “Request & Leave”. Like the other techniques, this one works best if you are as upfront as possible about it. Thus, you would want to go to the dj and ask “Can you play (song title), we’re about to leave.” This is most effective when you have a large group that makes up most of the patrons in a bar as you can deliver a double whammy of letting them know the place is about to empty out and seeming like an entitled asshole.

4. Asking them to watch your belongings is another great way to turn their smile upside down. I should actually restate this point, better yet, don’t even ask. Just leave your stuff by the booth and then make eye contact with them and point down to your purse/jacket/scarf/etc and leave quickly. This forces them into the new role of coat check without any extra income and it means you have free reign to get angry at them when your valuables are inevitably stolen because the dj was not paying any attention to them.

5. If you are a fellow dj who is really into every aspect of djing except actually playing out, you’re in luck since you have another way to annoy the hell out of a dj. This technique involves insistently engaging in a long conversation about different djing equipment and techniques. For added effectiveness, question/second guess what they’re doing, and even better yet, criticize how they are not using vinyl and/or have the synch button engaged. This will piss the hell out of them even though when they think about it a bit later, they will realize that they really shouldn’t give a shit about what some asshole who is too pussy/not good enough to play has to say about things while they are heavily in demand and getting work every week.

What are your suggestions?

This entry was published on June 16, 2014 at 5:23 pm. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.


  1. anal cavity on said:

    take a shit on their hand

  2. anal cavity on said:

    ask them to do a line on their forearm while they’re spinning

  3. eat it on said:

    yeah asking a DJ to play a request is a TOTAL dick move. It’s not like the whole reason you’re there is to entertain the people who are there and give them what they want to hear or anything. What are all those people thinking.

    • i think you need to learn to read. that’s not what i said

    • Just like any artist, a DJ is instantiating their subjective qualia upon a format – in this instance an audience. By requesting, one is marring this art form (rather egomaniacally). Furthermore, the general aesthetic of the DJ is guided by the public space though, ideally, retains a particularly unique aural display and therefore is a mediation between a public act and something independent. The “whole reason” that one is DJing is not to “entertain the people who are there and give them what they want to hear…” – thats what a virtual jukebox/audience compilation iTunes feed would accomplish. Rather, a DJ is an artist imparting a piece of their world to an audience – why mar that with something so narcissistic as a request (even if you think others would enjoy it as well).

  4. That panda picture is burned into my brain. I need to call my mom. Great article.

  5. This works best if you’re also a DJ playing that night and want to wind up the DJ following you – stick on something completely obnoxious, clearing the floor so that they have to abandon their playlist and stick on something really popular to get people back. “Release the bats” by the Birthday Party is good for that.

    On a slight tangent, how to annoy club organisers and other DJs when in a genre club is to play a set that’s not quite in keeping with the genre of the club, but still fills the dancefloor. Best is a mash-up of something scene and something definitely not – I played a Goth/industrial club in Dublin a few years ago and dropped a mashup of Depeche Mode’s Master and Servant with Benny Benassi’s Satisfaction. Filled the floor to the horror of the promoters.

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